english jokes

i have these jokes i hope u like them and please comment and thanks for passing by

1-A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread…
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2-A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM ” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
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3-A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied , “in-laws
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4-“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
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5-A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
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6-A man said t o his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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7-A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
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8-John got home from his usual Sunday round of golf slightly later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.
“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”
“Oh, that’s awful!”
“You’re not kidding. For the whole last nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
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9-A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genies lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope … due to economic inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Wow, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but im not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for, a good mate.”
The Genie let out a long hard sigh and said, “Let me see that ****ing map!”
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10-Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”
The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.”
The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.”
They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? ”
She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know…
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc.”
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i hope you like the jokes and i will be more than happy to translate